For those of you waiting for Part II of my series about having kids – don’t worry, it’s coming soon! I just have to take a moment to tell you how much of a hypocrite I am.

My vision for this space has grown so much over the last few years, and it’s been both exhilarating and terrifying. I’ve been frustrated for a long time with the lack of transparency and vulnerability within “Christian” friendships, and I knew I wanted to foster an environment for honest conversation about things that really matter. I also knew that God gifted me with the ability to write, and write well. The real struggle wasn’t knowing whether to start this project; it was deciding what to call it.

I must have come up with 47 different blog names, ranging everywhere from boring to trendy to cheesy to nonsensical to just plain weird. I finally came up with “The Most Beautiful Chaos,” which later changed to “The Most Glorious Chaos,” “Glorious Chaos,” and finally “Embracing the Chaos.” I sat on that new name for about a week, rolling it around in my brain and eventually deciding I liked it. It seemed to be the perfect fit. “Embracing the chaos” meant accepting the fact that life is messy while recognizing that our great God holds it all within His very capable hands. This name captured the essence of what I wanted this blog to be. But it wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that it dawned on me…..I’m not even embracing my own chaos.

Here’s what happening in my life right now.

• Daniel and I hardly see each other because I’m constantly traveling for work because I’m a college recruiter. (AKA, I’m up early and home late with little time for my husband or sleep or…well, I would say cleaning, but HA who are we kidding, I never clean until the five minutes before people come over.)
• It’s budget season, so Daniel is busier with work as well.
• Also, Daniel is basically never not studying for the CPA.
• I wonder constantly when kids will enter the Hendrickson equation, going back and forth between wanting to be pregnant and being glad I’m not yet. I’m fearful of the unknown.
• I’m in two weddings back-to-back in December, so my weekends are filled to the brim with trying on dresses and party-planning. Daniel’s the best man in one of them…I’m the maid of honor…we get to walk together. #wecute
• We lead a neighborhood small group at our house every week.
• We have multiple commitments at our church.
• Daniel’s car decided to be broken, so we took it to the shop and have been down to one car. (Which made my traveling for work extremely difficult.)
• The day Daniel’s car was supposed to be fixed, my passenger side window fell off the track and is permanently down. It’s 90 degrees.
• After dumping 5 Tupperware containers of uneaten disintegrated leftovers down the sink, I discovered our garbage disposal stopped working.
• We miss our dear friends who have moved away and long to see them but have too few free weekends.
• On top of all of that…we just bought a new house in Durant and will be moving – in less than two months! (Ahh!! More about this new adventure coming soon!!)

Sigh. I need a breather. All of this has happened in less than two weeks.

The most recent thing I found out about was my car window. When Daniel texted me, I was driving back from a college fair and was already completely worn out mentally and physically. My initial reaction was angry and ugly. I turned the radio down, threw one hand in the air, and blurted out, “What’s next, God?? What is next?? What else are you going to do to us?? Why can’t we just have ONE DAY where nothing happens?” I sped down I-35, fuming and listing off every mess we were stuck in the middle of.

I texted Daniel, “What the hell is our life right now.”
He responded with, “Chaos.”

I paused.

Chaos.

Oh my gosh, I am such an idiot.

I turned the radio back up and “First” by Lauren Daigle started playing.

“Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
Before I lift my cares
I will lift my arms
I wanna know You
I wanna find You
In every season
In every moment
Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
And seek You”

My eyes filled with tears and I sang every word with my whole heart. When did I stop believing that God was holding every bit of our chaos in His very capable hands? He wasn’t doing any of this TO us. The truths about His goodness and His grace and His love toward us were still true. His gospel rescued us and continues to rescue us in the middle of our mess. The beauty of Him saving us outweighs any frustration I felt over our temporary situation.

This season is really difficult. I won’t pretend like I’ve trusted God completely without reservation since that sweet moment in my car, because I haven’t. I’ve gotten angry again, and I’ve gotten scared again. I’ve chosen to mistrust God instead of remembering all the times He’s been faithful to us in the past. But it’s so funny to me that He gave me the name “Embracing the Chaos” for this blog. I had no idea how relevant it would become.

Thank you so much to all of you who have followed “Embracing the Chaos” so far, whether you’ve read a few posts or every single one. I have no clue what God has planned for this space or for our lives, but I know one thing: His plans are always good.

“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” – Dr. Suess

My eyes filled with tears as my hand came up to cover my mouth. My stomach twisted in a sick mixture of horror and sorrow. My heart ached. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

“I worked the 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. shift, and when we weren’t busy, I’d go out to help with the newborns. One night I saw a bassinet outside the nursery. There was a baby in this bassinet – a crying, perfectly formed baby – but there was a difference in this child. She had been scalded. She was the child of a saline abortion.

This little girl looked as if she had been put in a pot of boiling water. No doctor, no nurse, no parent, to comfort this hurt, burned child. She was left alone to die in pain. They wouldn’t let her in the nursery – they didn’t even bother to cover her.

I was ashamed of my profession that night! It’s hard to believe this can happen in our modern hospitals, but it does. It happens all the time. I thought a hospital was a place to heal the sick – not a place to kill.

I asked a nurse at another hospital what they do with their babies that are aborted by saline. Unlike my hospital, where the baby was left alone struggling for breath, their hospital puts the infant in a bucket and puts the lid on. Suffocation! Death by suffocation!”

I couldn’t even finish the article, I just sat there and cried.

In pain?
Scalded?
Struggling for breath??

I’ve seen lots of posts about abortion and Planned Parenthood lately, but this article I read a few days ago…..it completely ruined my day. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.

To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do.

I’m typically not the kind of person to engage controversial topics online. I don’t want to carry a reputation as an emotionally brash protester/complainer instead of an intelligent, logical person capable of calm discussion, and I think conversations like that are better in person anyway. Something about this topic, though…when I read that article, I wanted to throw up. No one should be able to be indifferent about this. I can’t. I can’t read about tiny little LIVES being brutally ended and have no reaction to it. I also can’t be hateful because I have dear friends who have had abortions, and they are as loved, redeemed, and cherished by God as I am. But it’s not enough to get political, rant about how abortion should be illegal, and go on about my day, proud of myself for speaking up about something. It’s just not enough.

Abortion is selfish. Abortion is sin. It’s one of the biggest pieces of proof showing just how far we have fallen below the standard God set. When did we become so desensitized to violence that we decided killing helpless babies was a good idea? Above all, this is a Gospel issue. Every sin we commit communicates that we think God cheated us. Abortion is wrong because it is a direct offense to the God who created every person on earth, including the unborn ones.

I think the thing that hurt me the most about that article was this portion:

On the night [an] aborted baby came in, three premature babies from a nearby hospital were being taken care of. Two of the three were in danger of dying, and doctors struggled to save their lives. While the doctors were engaged in the struggle to help these two wanted babies, the aborted baby was brought in:

“I looked at the baby boy lying before me, and saw that from all appearances he was perfect. He had a good strong heartbeat. I could tell this without using a stethoscope because I could see his chest moving in sync with his heart rate. With a stethoscope I heard a heart pumping strongly. I look at his size and his skin — he definitely looked more mature than 23 weeks. He was weighed and I discovered that he was 900 grams, almost two pounds. This was almost twice the weight of some babies we have been able to save. A doctor was summoned. When she arrived the baby started moving his tiny arms and legs flailing. He started trying to gasp, but was unable to get air into his lungs. His whole body shuddered with his efforts to breathe. We were joined by a neonatalist and I pleaded with both doctors saying, ‘The baby is viable — look at his size, look at his skin — he looks much older than 23 weeks.’

It was a horrible moment as each of us wrestled with our own ethical standards. I argued that we should make an attempt to resuscitate him, to get him breathing. The resident doctor told me, ‘This is an abortion. We have no right to interfere.’ The specialist, who had the responsibility for the decision, was wringing his hands and quietly saying, ‘This is so hard. Oh, God, it’s so hard when it’s this close.’ In the end, I lost. We were not going to try to resuscitate this baby. …I wrapped him in blankets to keep him warm, and held him. These were the only measures I could take comfort the baby under the circumstances, no matter how much I wanted to do more.”

Ironically, all the while the nurse was holding the dying aborted child, doctors were struggling to save the life of another premature (but wanted) child in the very same room, less than five feet away. Sadly, this baby died as well – but she was given every possible medical treatment, while the aborted baby was completely ignored.

That last paragraph just killed me. The only difference between those babies is that one of them was wanted. I remember taking a pregnancy test (who am I kidding, I took like 9) in our first year of marriage and panicking a little because I didn’t feel ready to have a baby yet. But it would never even occur to me to get rid of it just because I wasn’t ready yet. How much more selfish can we get than ending another human’s life because we don’t WANT them?? Or because it is what’s ‘best for us’ at the time?

Regardless of your moral convictions, you have to admit – the numbers are staggering.

Please don’t misunderstand: I don’t just care about the babies! I am not cold, rude, or uncaring when it comes to the moms, not even a little. As I mentioned earlier, I know women who have had abortions – it is by no means an easy choice or something they enjoyed doing. I know very well that there’s much more involved in many cases, and some of you probably want to ask me:

“What if the pregnancy was from rape/incest?”
I can’t even explain how much my heart breaks for women who experience this. More than anything else, a woman who has been assaulted needs to be surrounded with love and comfort, especially by people in the church. But if a pregnancy occurs from that assault, aren’t there two people now who need love and support? The emotional effects of that situation have to be addressed logically. Her memories and grief won’t disappear with the aborted baby. The innocent baby isn’t to blame and shouldn’t be punished for the horrific crimes of the father (who SHOULD be persecuted).

“What about if the life of the mom is in danger?”
Actually, less than 1% of abortions are performed to save the life of the mother (source). In the case of cancer or an ectopic pregnancy…dude, I honestly don’t know. My gut says don’t abort the baby, but I can’t imagine the pressure and stress of making that choice. I’m still struggling through that one.

“So no one should have abortions, then? What happens to all those children?”
Great question. Church? Want to take this one? How about we step up and take care of them? How about if we come around struggling moms and serve as an encouraging support base for them instead of chasing them out for their blatant immorality? What if we were willing to adopt some of those children if the moms truly aren’t in a position to take care of them?

I want to have kids. I don’t know when they’ll join me and Daniel and fill up our house with messes and fun and noise and life, but I want them. If someone reading this is contemplating abortion, for whatever reason, please don’t kill your baby. It’s not a lump of cells. It’s a baby. A created-and-loved-by-God baby. Give her to me. Give him to me. “Please don’t kill the child. I want the child. Please give me the child. I am willing to accept any child who would be aborted” (from Mother Theresa’s address at a United Nations conference in Cairo, Sept. 1994). For those of you wondering if I’ve lost it, yes, I did talk to Daniel and he’s 100% on board. Sure, we might not have kids yet, but maybe some of our kids will join us in an unconventional way. We will gladly receive any baby and either give him/her a home or find him/her a home.

It’s important to remember that we ALL need Jesus desperately. I have no room to get  self-righteous, because my sin is just as evil and offensive to Him. God’s forgiveness and compassion extends equally to ALL of us. Praise Him for making a way for us to come to Him and be rescued from everything we’ve done wrong, no matter what it is. My heart hurts so much for anyone who has had an abortion or considered having one. If you are one of those women, there is no hate or judgment in my heart toward you – just love. For my friends who I know have experienced this – I love you more than words can say. God has redeemed you, and He does not condemn you. Don’t condemn yourself. ♥

There are so many resources on this topic that I could spend days listing them, but I thought these few were a good place to start.

Camille Cates, The Gospel Coalition – “Why I Don’t Blame Planned Parenthood”
John Piper, Desiring God – “Ten Reasons Why It Is Wrong to Take the Life of Unborn Children”
John Piper, Desiring God – “The Power of God and ‘Pro-Choice’ Reasoning”

God, forgive us. Help us love others the way You love us.

“As [Jesus] was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him. And he did not permit him but said to him, “Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled.” Mark 5:18-20 (ESV)

I didn’t have sex.
I didn’t do drugs.
I didn’t listen to rock and roll.
(Okay, I did that one.)
But as a whole, I led a “good-kid” life.

Growing up, I had good Christian parents, was a leader in my youth group, and attended a private Baptist university. I maintained a ‘basically flawless’ track record. I never did any of the “really bad” things, and nothing really bad ever happened to me.  Throughout my high school and college years, though, I met many people who had been through a LOT more than I had: things like eating disorders, suicide attempts, and even cult participation. I was astounded by how far they had come, how God had grabbed them out of their individual cesspools and given them incredible testimonies of His mercy and faithfulness toward them.

Over time, a very sneaky lie was planted in my head: “Your testimony isn’t as cool as theirs.”

I would never have said it out loud, of course. But I began to believe it.

I graduated, got married, and became part of the local college ministry where my husband and I live. While serving there, I met dozens more men and women with insane stories.

Stories of abuse.
Stories of rape.
Stories of abortion and drugs and alcoholism and homosexual sin and pornography addiction and working in strip clubs and time spent in jail.

But God redeemed them ALL. All of those people who were walking so far away from God are now in growing relationships with Him and pursuing Him with such fervor it would take your breath away.

And there I was…a grew-up-in-church girl with a boring testimony.

It hurts my heart to say that, but that’s what I truly believed until one evening a few years ago when my eyes were finally opened. God peeled the scales off of my eyes and showed me the depth of my own sin – things I had ignored or made excuses for or shoved down for years.

I realized that my sin, those things that I didn’t think were that bad, was just as much a reason for Jesus to die on the cross as the sins of the girl who slept with the entire football team or the guy who robbed a convenience store while completely strung out on cocaine.

Everyone, all of us in the entire world, are on level ground before God. When you think to yourself, “Well, my testimony isn’t as cool as hers/his because I haven’t done ____,” what you’re actually saying is, “God, I don’t need your forgiveness/grace as much as that person does.”

We all have an equal need for God to rescue us. It doesn’t matter what you have done or haven’t done; not doing something doesn’t make you any better than the person who does it. And you don’t have to go do a bunch of dumb stuff just so you have a great story to tell people. The point of our testimony is not to talk about all the stupid stuff we’ve done, but to bear witness to the goodness of God and His faithfulness to meet us right where we are, wherever that is, and transform our hearts.

If you’ve ever felt like me, I have some encouragement for you.Your testimony is beautiful because it’s about a great God who chose to love you even though you have absolutely nothing of value to offer Him. It doesn’t get any more beautiful than that.