For those of you waiting for Part II of my series about having kids – don’t worry, it’s coming soon! I just have to take a moment to tell you how much of a hypocrite I am.
My vision for this space has grown so much over the last few years, and it’s been both exhilarating and terrifying. I’ve been frustrated for a long time with the lack of transparency and vulnerability within “Christian” friendships, and I knew I wanted to foster an environment for honest conversation about things that really matter. I also knew that God gifted me with the ability to write, and write well. The real struggle wasn’t knowing whether to start this project; it was deciding what to call it.
I must have come up with 47 different blog names, ranging everywhere from boring to trendy to cheesy to nonsensical to just plain weird. I finally came up with “The Most Beautiful Chaos,” which later changed to “The Most Glorious Chaos,” “Glorious Chaos,” and finally “Embracing the Chaos.” I sat on that new name for about a week, rolling it around in my brain and eventually deciding I liked it. It seemed to be the perfect fit. “Embracing the chaos” meant accepting the fact that life is messy while recognizing that our great God holds it all within His very capable hands. This name captured the essence of what I wanted this blog to be. But it wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that it dawned on me…..I’m not even embracing my own chaos.
Here’s what happening in my life right now.
- Daniel and I hardly see each other because I’m constantly traveling for work because I’m a college recruiter. (AKA, I’m up early and home late with little time for my husband or sleep or…well, I would say cleaning, but HA who are we kidding, I never clean until the five minutes before people come over.)
- It’s budget season, so Daniel is busier with work as well.
- Also, Daniel is basically never not studying for the CPA.
- I wonder constantly when kids will enter the Hendrickson equation, going back and forth between wanting to be pregnant and being glad I’m not yet. I’m fearful of the unknown.
- I’m in two weddings back-to-back in December, so my weekends are filled to the brim with trying on dresses and party-planning. Daniel’s the best man in one of them…I’m the maid of honor…we get to walk together. #wecute
- We lead a neighborhood small group at our house every week.
- We have multiple commitments at our church.
- Daniel’s car decided to be broken, so we took it to the shop and have been down to one car. (Which made my traveling for work extremely difficult.)
- The day Daniel’s car was supposed to be fixed, my passenger side window fell off the track and is permanently down. It’s 90 degrees.
- After dumping 5 Tupperware containers of uneaten disintegrated leftovers down the sink, I discovered our garbage disposal stopped working.
- We miss our dear friends who have moved away and long to see them but have too few free weekends.
- On top of all of that…we just bought a new house in Durant and will be moving – in less than two months! (Ahh!! More about this new adventure coming soon!!)
Sigh. I need a breather. All of this has happened in less than two weeks.
The most recent thing I found out about was my car window. When Daniel texted me, I was driving back from a college fair and was already completely worn out mentally and physically. My initial reaction was angry and ugly. I turned the radio down, threw one hand in the air, and blurted out, “What’s next, God?? What is next?? What else are you going to do to us?? Why can’t we just have ONE DAY where nothing happens?” I sped down I-35, fuming and listing off every mess we were stuck in the middle of.
I texted Daniel, “What the hell is our life right now.”
He responded with, “Chaos.”
Oh my gosh, I am such an idiot.
I turned the radio back up and “First” by Lauren Daigle started playing.
“Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
Before I lift my cares
I will lift my arms
I wanna know You
I wanna find You
In every season
In every moment
Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
And seek You”
My eyes filled with tears and I sang every word with my whole heart. When did I stop believing that God was holding every bit of our chaos in His very capable hands? He wasn’t doing any of this TO us. The truths about His goodness and His grace and His love toward us were still true. His gospel rescued us and continues to rescue us in the middle of our mess. The beauty of Him saving us outweighs any frustration I felt over our temporary situation.
This season is really difficult. I won’t pretend like I’ve trusted God completely without reservation since that sweet moment in my car, because I haven’t. I’ve gotten angry again, and I’ve gotten scared again. I’ve chosen to mistrust God instead of remembering all the times He’s been faithful to us in the past. But it’s so funny to me that He gave me the name “Embracing the Chaos” for this blog. I had no idea how relevant it would become.
Thank you so much to all of you who have followed “Embracing the Chaos” so far, whether you’ve read a few posts or every single one. I have no clue what God has planned for this space or for our lives, but I know one thing: His plans are always good.