Married Monday: Choosing Faithfulness

January 25, 2016June 2, 20161 Comment

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“Above all, fear the Lord and worship him faithfully with all your heart; consider the great things He has done for you.” 1 Samuel 12:24 (HCSB)

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” Proverbs 3:3 (NIV)

“To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (ESV)

A few months before my wedding, I set up a lunch date with a newly married friend. After asking her how married life was, she looked at me with a tight, tired smile and said, “We actually just had a big argument. It’s really hard, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.”

I remember feeling a bit of a letdown; I had wanted her to smile cheerfully and say, “It’s great!!” In that moment, I was a little afraid that marriage wouldn’t be as awesome as I’d thought.

Now, after being married for several years, I know EXACTLY how she felt! I think back to that lunch date and just laugh. I understand why her voice sounded tired, yet still glad.

Because…yeah. She was completely right, it is hard!

One of the biggest lessons to learn in marriage is how to remain faithful, even when you’re tired/angry/hurt/fill in your own blank. And not just sexually, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. as well. We are charged as wives and husbands to mimic the relationship God has with His people! Isn’t that incredible?? Our marriages are the picture of God’s lovely connection with us to the rest of the world.

It breaks my heart that the picture too many people see is one of apathy, hostility, boredom, bitterness, abuse, and brokenness. Many people treat marriage as if it is disposable: try it out for a while and if you get bored or frustrated, try it again with someone else. THANK GOD that God doesn’t treat us that way. We are constantly unfaithful to Him, but He never says, “Oh, what?? You don’t love me or care about me anymore? Well, forget you, I’ll go find someone else!”

2 Timothy 2:13 says this of God: “If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is” (NLT). God is faithful to us A.L.W.A.Y.S, even when we run away from Him. And because we have been shown this great grace by Him, we can and must show grace to others, including our spouses. And my friend was right about another thing: when your relationship with your spouse was initiated and nurtured by God and your marriage points to Him instead of to yourselves, the good ALWAYS outweighs the bad. I may not feel like throwing confetti all the time every day, but I am thankful for my husband every day. Persevere in your marriages, friends! Faithfulness is always worth it, even in the midst of heartache.

Oh, marriage. What a magically, frustratingly, wonderfully purifying thing. ♥

This post is part of “Married Monday,” a new series I’ve started in order to expose myths and lies we’ve been told about married life, celebrate moments of joy and growth, chew on hard truths and sprinkle them with grace, and remind others (and myself!) that marriage doesn’t work without Christ in it. I have lots of ideas, but I’d love your input too! What topics would you like to see covered?

Married Monday: Good Hard Work

January 18, 2016June 2, 20162 Comments

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“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” Ephesians 5:25-29 (ESV)

When Daniel and I were engaged, we heard “Marriage is hard work” a lot. Every married person I talked to said it. I know they meant well, but after a while it became discouraging. I remember the look in their eyes, the knowing smiles on their faces. It’s as if they were watching us, young and newly in love, and thinking, “Oh…just wait. You’ll learn.”

Only a few people told me that being married was genuinely fun.

Don’t get me wrong – it is hard work. But it’s also GOOD hard work, and it really is fun!

Without even meaning to, you create inside jokes with each other that no one else will completely understand.
Anytime you travel somewhere, you get to have your best friend by your side.
You know exactly how to cheer each other up and make each other really belly laugh.
Gifts, kind words, and acts of service mean more coming from that person than from anyone else.
You can be silly and weird, singing in ugly voices and dancing around the house in your underwear like an idiot with no fear of judgment.

You guys. I’m telling you. It is so much fun.

I was nervous at first, but I shouldn’t have been afraid of the hard parts of marriage because they are both inevitable and necessary. Any relationship that’s worth having takes work. Engaged people, don’t be discouraged! And married people, choose your words wisely. Don’t scare future married people into thinking they’ll be miserable all the time. Marriage is fun, even if you have to recreate the fun sometimes.

I don’t want us to become an old callous couple who stop getting to know each other and just get old, fat, and bitter. I don’t want to look at a young engaged girl with that same “You’ll learn” face. I’d rather work my entire life to keep my marriage fun than give up and become lazy and bored. If our desire is to have godly marriages that bring glory to God and encourage others around us, and we do everything we can to pursue that goal (including breathing constant life into our relationships), God will honor that desire!

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Ways to Create (or Recreate) Married Fun:

Compliment your spouse for an entire day. No criticism or accusations – just compliments. Look for things they are doing right and point them out on purpose!
Go on a progressive dinner date. Can’t decide where to eat? Go to one restaurant for appetizers, another for entrees, and another for dessert!
Put your phones away. Just put them away and TALK to each other. You used to do it a lot, remember? It might feel awkward at first if you haven’t done it in awhile, but face time with each other is important!
Hide notes for each other. Write a bunch of one-sentence love notes on scraps of paper and hide them in random places for the other person to find – in a jacket pocket, wallet, nightstand drawer, Bible, etc. Get creative!
Start a question-a-day journal. We got ours from Urban Outfitters, but you can get the same one here on Amazon. It’s a great quick way to connect every day through one simple question!

What advice did people give you before you got married?

Married Monday: Expectations

January 11, 2016June 2, 20162 Comments

“Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.” Proverbs 16:32 (NLT)

I will probably never send my husband to the store for snacks again.

(Well…not without a list, at least!)

We had plans to hang out with some friends at our house one evening, and I realized that although I had told them we would have snacks, all we had was popcorn. I asked Daniel to grab a few things from the store, assuming he would come home with cookies or chips and dip. Or you know…NORMAL snack food. Our company arrived and I told them Daniel should be home any minute with food.

The front door opened and Daniel walked in…….holding a 10-POUND BOX of frozen spare ribs, and a 12-pack of Coke.

My friend Jessica instantly made eye contact with me and choked back a laugh. As I went from stunned silence to hysterical laughter, Jessica’s husband Cliff slapped Daniel on the back, exclaiming, “That is THE manliest thing I have ever seen!!”

It’s a silly story that we still laugh about, but this is just a small example of a huge lesson you learn in marriage: EVERYTHING comes down to expectations.

For example – hold on, now, because it’s about to get real – before I got married, my expectations about sex were incredibly skewed. I’m willing to bet a lot of you guys can relate. Culture portrays it terribly: either it doesn’t matter at all, or it’s the only thing that matters. Either way, according to our confused world, sex has been heralded as this unbelievably perfect and euphoric experience, and if it’s awkward or weird or not exciting, it’s because you’re with the wrong person and you just need to keep looking for the right one.

If you grew up in church like I did, you probably did True Love Waits or something similar. As the years went by, you heard over and over to save sex for marriage, save sex for marriage, SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE ALREADY. But they never really told you why to save it for marriage, so you spend your teenage and early-twenties life wondering and waiting. You guard your virginity (which is different from purity, but that’s for another Monday), just KNOWING that God will surely reward you for holding onto it for so long. After all, that’s like the biggest sin you could commit, right?? And you didn’t do it, so OF COURSE God will be so proud of you and give you the best wedding night ever.

But then, you get married and go on a honeymoon, after all those years of wondering and waiting…and you finally realize why you wait.

You wait because it isn’t a perfect euphoric experience.

But when you marry the right person, it’s okay that it isn’t.

It’s okay that it’s awkward and funny, because you know that when you wake up the next morning, they will still be there.

It’s okay that it’s NOTHING like it seems on TV or in movies, because you know that no matter what, they love you and you have plenty of time to figure it out.

It’s okay that it’s not *completely magical*, because you know that they aren’t selfishly using you. They care more about you than they care about themselves.

And it’s okay that you have a powerfully complex bond with that person now, because you know that you made powerfully complex promises to each other at the ceremony. Vows to each other and to the Lord that serve as a steady foundation and can handle the weight of that kind of bond.

(Let me stop for a minute and say something important. If you had sex before getting married, I’m not judging you. Not even a little. Sex outside of marriage may have bigger earthly consequences than other sin, but it doesn’t make you damaged goods. God doesn’t love virgins any more than He loves non-virgins, and He definitely doesn’t think sex is bad. He CREATED it, which means it is good, in the correct context. At the end of the day, all sins, from the tiniest white lie all the way up to things we consider pure evil, equally separate us from God unless Jesus is standing in the gap for us. Without Jesus, there is no hope. I’m so thankful God gave us Jesus, His gracious way of wiping the slate clean and inviting us to be reconciled back to Him.)

Sex is just one example of many, but my point is that expectations affect everything. I had no idea how many expectations I had for Daniel until we got married and started sharing space. But the bigger surprise was that he had expectations for me. We both came in with ideas about what marriage would look like and how we expected the other person to act and think. The problem is that I was frustrated when Daniel didn’t live up to my expectations for him, but I wanted grace from him when I didn’t live up to his expectations for me. It’s an enormous double standard to expect your spouse to bend for you when you won’t bend for them at all.

If you’re married or engaged, talk about your expectations with your spouse or spouse-to-be. How often should the laundry be done? What kinds of things should you buy together and what things are a waste of money? Not everyone has the same opinion or upbringing as you. If you don’t talk about them, at least one of you will spend a good part of your marriage either frustrated or disappointed because something didn’t live up to your expectations. Make sure that your own assumptions – about kids, about the future, about who is ‘supposed’ to take out the trash – are realistic. Sometimes it’s better to let go of too-high expectations and compromise together. And of course, talking to God is the absolute best thing you can do. When we center our marriages around Him, He has this neat way of giving us patience, changing our priorities, and helping us see what’s really important.

*Edit: I can’t recall who took the picture of my rings, but it was either Anna Lee of Anna Lee Media or Catie Bartlett of Catie Bartlett Photography! They are both amazeballs, go show them some love!

Married Monday: Why It Matters

December 14, 2015January 11, 20161 Comment

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“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.’” Genesis 2:18 (NLT)

One of my favorite wedding pictures isn’t one you might expect, like the first look, walking down the aisle, or the first kiss. It’s a photo of us facing our audience right after we were announced as Mr. and Mrs. Hendrickson. We were looking down at our feet, holding hands tightly and taking our first steps off of the platform into the grass below. Our first steps. Just like babies. We were SO ready to take that step because it meant that we were finally, actually, really married.

I love the joy on our faces in that photo. Maybe if we had known some of the storms we would weather in the next few years of marriage, we wouldn’t have been so eager to jump off and get going, haha! We made powerful promises to each other that day, but we had no idea what we were really saying. It would have been terribly easy to just stay on that platform, surrounded by the people who love us most in the world. But oh, how would we ever have the chance to prove that we MEANT what we said in our vows?

William G.T. Shedd said, “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” We were never meant to stay on that wooden stage in the woods. We took that first step, and every step we’ve taken since has been together, for better AND for worse, for richer AND for poorer, in sickness AND in health.

But we couldn’t have done it without help. The Gospel has transformed both of us through marriage, and we are so different now from those people we were on that day years ago. That’s why who you marry matters. You are picking the person you’ll grow with for the rest of your life, through years and years of changes. Ann Voskamp puts it so beautifully: “That’s the unspoken miracle of marriage: you vow to keep loving someone who keeps growing into a mysterious stranger.”

Not only that, but you are the picking the person with whom you will model to the rest of the world what you believe about God and how He relates to His people. That’s what marriage does! Have you ever thought about that? Marriage was created for God, not for us. A covenant isn’t saying “I promise to keep my vows…as long as you keep yours.” A true covenant means “I promise to keep my vows, regardless of whether you keep yours or not.” Marriage was designed to reflect the God we follow – the God who loves us even when we don’t love Him, the God who made a covenant with us and not only keeps it, but took the punishment we deserved for NOT keeping it. God chose marriage as His primary symbol of His relationship between Himself and the church, so honor Him by taking marriage seriously.

If you’re not married yet: pray that, if God gives you the gift of marriage, He will give you joy and patience to endure the difficulties. And if and when you do get married, don’t pick the person you’re most attracted to, or the person you’ve been with the longest, or the person you’re with because you’re lonely and want to be with someone. Pick the person who actually imitates Jesus and motivates you to do the same.

If you’re already married and struggling to remember why: intentionally reflect on the promises you made. Pray for your spouse, even when you don’t want to. Choose to love them even when you just hate them. God can restore anything. No marriage is too far beyond repair.

This is the first post for “Married Monday,” a new series I’ve started in order to expose myths and lies we’ve been told about married life, celebrate moments of joy and growth, chew on hard truths and sprinkle them with grace, and remind others (and myself!) that marriage doesn’t work without Christ in it. I have lots of ideas, but I’d love your input too! What topics would you like to see covered?

New Marriage Series, Coming Soon!

December 7, 2015March 30, 2016Leave a comment

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In case it wasn’t obvious, I kinda like that guy up there. ^^ We’ve been married three and half years, and each year that goes by is better than the one before. The longer I’m married, though, the more I learn that a good marriage doesn’t just happen by accident – it’s created with intention.

The world we live in now paints a very weird picture of marriage, and I’ve had just about enough. This blog is about engaging people in conversations about things that matter, and marriage matters. It’s one of the best representations of God’s relationship with us. As married believers, we have been charged with the responsibility of representing Christ through our relationships with our spouses – we can’t NOT take that seriously.

I’m a “healthy marriage” advocate. Our nation needs more of them. We are painfully flawed humans, but we have a powerfully great God, and I believe He has a lot to teach us about our relationships with each other and with Him through great marriages.

So, to start things off right, I want to hear from you! What would you like to discuss? What topics related to marriage are important to shed light on?

Wanting // Waiting // Worrying // Withdrawing: Part III

September 28, 2015October 24, 20155 Comments

I convinced myself that if I didn’t let myself want kids with my whole heart, I wouldn’t be COMPLETELY shattered if/when it didn’t happen. Just a little bit shattered is better than completely shattered…right? I set up emotional buffers for every worst case scenario. I wanted kids desperately, but I was afraid to want them. I was afraid to get too attached to the idea, because….what if it never happened?
— Wanting // Waiting // Worrying // Withdrawing: Part II

Besides getting married, having kids is the only thing I’ve known for sure that I want to do with my life. It feels like it’s been carved on my heart forever. It’s kind of incredible to think how many decisions I’ve made based purely on that desire. (1) I went to a Baptist university hoping to find a good Christian boy to marry who would would be the perfect godly husband and father. (2) I wanted to be an actor on the stage and in film, so I began school as a theatre major. During my first year, however, I discovered that I didn’t ‘want it’ as much as you have to ‘want it’ in that field. If I really wanted to act, I would have to give up a lot of other things, and I wasn’t willing to compromise having a family for a fleeting possibility that I might get my big break somewhere. (3) Even though we don’t have kids yet, Daniel and I have already adjusted a lot of our choices around a future that includes them, like where we live and what we do with our money. I can’t separate the desire from my person: it’s part of who I am. I’ve tailored my entire life around it. In my moments of career uncertainty, I’ve always subconsciously fallen back on having kids, reminding myself that even though I have no clue what I want to do with my life, having kids is the one thing I do know. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar.

So…how do I deal with the fact that wanting kids doesn’t necessarily guarantee that I’ll have them? It’s a scary reality to embrace.

I’ve dreamed about it forever: the moment when I find out I’m pregnant, sharing the news with our families and friends, feeling those tiny kicks, finding out if it’s a boy or a girl, watching my belly grow, giving birth, and holding that baby in my arms for the first time. I never imagined it any other way. I should mention at this point that I know getting pregnant isn’t the only way to have kids. But regardless, brace yourself, because I’m about to say something really un-churchy and weird: adoption was never really on my radar. I was aware of it, of course; it’s not like I grew up living under a rock. I heard all about different adoption agencies and organizations through my church, and I even knew a few kids who had been adopted into their families, and, as I got older, couples who decided to adopt. I thought it was a terrific idea. But for some reason, I hadn’t ever considered it for my own family. I don’t know why, exactly. I think I just assumed that my future family would look just like the family I was born into: a dad, a mom, and the kids they created together.

But then I met Baily.

Baily is my future sister-in-law (come on, February!) and a complete darling. Her story is incredible, and I’d love to have her share it here, but for the sake of time today, I’ll abbreviate. Basically, she was adopted into a family…in her twenties. She was already considered a grown woman, in college and on her own, and yet a couple with two other teenage children learned about her situation and could think of nothing better than for Baily to join their family. I had never heard of anything like it before. Baily brought the concept of adoption to life because she related it to the Gospel:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.” — Ephesians 1:3-10 (ESV)

How could I have forgotten this? God adopted me into His family. I wasn’t supposed to be part of the family, but He handpicked me and made me feel at home in His arms. I did absolutely nothing to deserve Him choosing me, and yet He chose me all the same. What a beautiful picture of His great love toward us, and a unique way to show that kind of love to others.

Without meaning to, sweet Baily convinced me of both the beauty and the possibility of adoption as a way to make children part of our family. I still long for the chance to physically have children, but for the first time in my life (which yes, is incredibly embarrassing to admit), I’m open to other options. My unintentional narrow-mindedness is shifting, by the grace of God.

Even after all of this, though, I still couldn’t shake a lingering, sinking feeling in my stomach brought on by one tiny little question. I’ve spent my whole life wanting to have kids, my whole life looking forward to those feelings of fulfillment that are sure to only come from those experiences.

But……………………………what if I don’t feel fulfilled?

What if I’ve spent all this time waiting for it and it’s not everything I hoped for?

What if that first baby, that prayed-for, hoped-for, begged-for baby, is snuggled up against my chest one night and I’m looking down at him or her with tears in my eyes because I DON’T have that “Ahh, this is what I’m meant to be doing!” feeling?

What if?
What if?
What if?

There it was. Finally, after all this time, there it was. The monster I was afraid to look in the eye. At last, I was forced to come face-to-face with this terrifying question. All of my worrying, all of my questions, EVERYTHING, had finally come to a head in one overwhelming, defining moment.

It doesn’t matter if I give birth or adopt. If I look for fulfillment in my children, for that feeling of total satisfaction, peace, and security, it will never come. From what I’ve observed, kids are not exactly manufacturers of satisfaction, peace, and security. Kids are wonderful and God uses them in unique ways to reveal pieces of the Gospel to us, but they can’t help but be like tiny convicting mirrors, reflecting your flaws back to you. If I look to my kids for contentment, I will never fully be at peace. I will never feel completely safe and established on steady ground. I am grossly imperfect, and my miniatures will be sinners too. There is only one Person in my life who doesn’t reflect my sin back to me when I look at Him.

Here’s the raw, unfiltered truth:

Christ. is. enough.

If I’m not able to physically have children, He is enough. If I have a difficult pregnancy, He is enough. If I am completely healthy and have lots of healthy babies, He is still enough.

No matter what, He is enough.

He is enough.
He is enough.
He is enough.

“But what if – ”

No. No more.

I have spent my entire life “What if”-ing. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t get caught up in stressing about things that haven’t even happened yet. God’s purpose for my life is not for me to be trapped in a constant web of panic, fear, and doubt. He has never been unfaithful to me at any point in our relationship, and He won’t fail me now. His plans for me are always good; I know I can bank on that.

This series doesn’t exactly have a ‘happy ending’. It doesn’t end with me being like “And now I’m pregnant and everything’s JUST SO PERFECT!”, though that would have been a neat way to announce it. :) I’m still scared. I’m scared of things that are out of my control. I’m scared of having a perfectly healthy baby and then ruining it with terrible parenting. I am the world’s worst at creating unnecessary things to worry about, but the best truth in the world is Christ is enough for me. Jesus is and always will be better than anything else I’ll ever want. Lord, make my heart believe it.

“Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
    they will be remembered forever.
They will have no fear of bad news;
    their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
    in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.”
— Psalm 112:6-8 (NIV)

“The Lord is good,
a stronghold in the day of trouble;
he knows those who take refuge in him.”
— Nahum 1:7 (ESV)

“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.”
— Psalm 39:7 (ESV)

Wanting // Waiting // Worrying // Withdrawing: Part II

September 22, 2015October 24, 20153 Comments

Being around the Burkes while Trinity was growing that first year was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I had such great conversations with Brittany about being a mom, and about being a wife while being a mom, but I learned just as much just by watching the three of them together. The more time we spent with them, the more the guilty coldness surrounding my heart began, ever so slowly, to thaw. Little piece by little piece quietly dripped away until one day, I startled myself by thinking, You know what? I think maybe we could do this after all.
— Wanting // Waiting // Worrying // Withdrawing: Part I

Since we got married, Daniel and I have consistently had the same timing mindset as far as kids go. We made a pact early on that if one of us started wanting a baby and the other person hadn’t said anything yet, the one wanting a baby would speak up. We had ‘check-in’ conversations every so often just to make sure we were still on the same page, and each time, our mutual agreement was “Not yet.”

Until one sweet day, when our mutual “Not yet” turned into a mutually nervous but excited “…………..Yes….!!!!” I was convinced I would get pregnant immediately. I just knew I was the most fertile person walking the planet.

The first month went by.

Then the second.

Then the third.

Friends around me began to get pregnant right and left, some with their next child. I celebrated with each of them sincerely, rejoicing that God was blessing them for the first or second or even third time. But even though next to no time had gone by since our decision, I couldn’t seem to quiet the steadily-growing panic inside me, fueled by a nagging voice that kept whispering things like….

Why aren’t you pregnant yet?
Why is it taking so long?
It didn’t take ____ long at all.
What’s wrong with you?
Something must be wrong.
What if you’re infertile?
What if you can’t ever have children?
What if you get pregnant and miscarry?
You’re never going to have kids.
Your parents will resent you for not giving them grandchildren.
Your life-long hope and dream will never come true.

I knew that these thoughts were not from the Lord, but it was very hard to take such pervasive and haunting thoughts captive. I didn’t want to think about stuff like that, but just “trying not to think about it” did absolutely no good. (If you weren’t already aware, let my story be proof that Satan does not fight fair. He will jump at any chance to take your deepest fears and spread them out in front of you, paralyzing you and distracting you from your ultimate purpose of glorifying God with your life. I made the mistake of dwelling on my fears and giving him opportunity after opportunity.) I struggled with the knowledge that it was possible to want something good, something God created the desire for, but that God could still choose not to give it to me. I also felt silly for freaking out, considering the fact that it had only been a few months and we weren’t even necessarily trying to have a baby. The few people I had talked to about it had all but rolled their eyes at me, telling me what I already knew – that we hadn’t been trying that long and that worrying wouldn’t help anything. So I stopped talking about it. I was emotionally confused enough without someone telling me to stop worrying.

Just a few months shy of a year later, Daniel and I were laying in bed one night, almost asleep but still talking to each other drowsily. Sleepily and half-jokingly, Daniel said, “So…do you still want a baby?” I half-laughed in response, but suddenly my eyes started filling up with tears. Daniel had rolled back over by this point and from his even breathing, I could tell he was finally asleep. I stared up at the ceiling and thought, Do I? The last year had been draining and disappointing. Each month, I knew I was waiting for something, I just didn’t know which thing it would be. And each month that came and went without requiring a pregnancy test made me feel like my body was mocking me: “Well, you failed this month! Try again next time.” I didn’t know how much more of that I could take. To add insult to injury, that mocking voice kept reminding me that I was impatient and stupid because it had only been a YEAR. I knew people who had been really really trying to have kids for much longer, and people who had stopped trying because they had been told it would never happen. I felt like an idiot for being so frustrated and so distrustful of God after such a short period of time.

I realized something that night. Even though we had decided we were ready for kids, I hadn’t truly opened my heart to the idea. In that short year, I had my heart broken over and over by multiple stories of friends who joyfully announced their pregnancies, only to lose their sweet babies weeks later. Multiple friends. It wasn’t until the last few years that I realized how common miscarriages are, and I have since reached a place of debilitating worry. Something that used to seem so rare suddenly became a possible reality I might have to face. I couldn’t deal with it, and without knowing it, I started to withdraw and shut down. I convinced myself that if I didn’t let myself want kids with my whole heart, I wouldn’t be COMPLETELY shattered if/when it didn’t happen. Just a little bit shattered is better than completely shattered…right? I set up emotional buffers for every worst case scenario. I wanted kids desperately, but I was afraid to want them. I was afraid to get too attached to the idea, because….what if it never happened?

What if my fears were true?
What if this ‘thing’ that I wanted to do my entire life didn’t happen?
What then?

If you missed Part I, read here.
Read Part III here.

Wanting // Waiting // Worrying // Withdrawing: Part I

September 14, 2015October 24, 20152 Comments

I’ve always wanted kids. Always. Schools and jobs have come and gone, but marrying and having kids have been my two strongest and most powerful lifelong wishes. There’s never been a specific career path or job that has made me think, “That’s what I’m meant to do,” and I used to think there was something wrong with me because I didn’t know what my ‘thing’ was, while everyone else around me already seemed to know. And yet, looking back, when I really sit and think about having kids – raising them, playing with them, watching them learn and grow and become useful tools in the hand of God – I feel a quiet but unrelenting stirring in the deepest part of my person. It’s as if my soul is earnestly longing for its purpose to be fulfilled, straining forward toward this elusive ‘thing’ that will finally satisfy my long-held dreams. It’s a glimmer of something both scary and wonderful.

It’s wonderful because it’s a desire that God planted long ago.

It’s wonderful because I’ve seen that beautiful purpose fulfilled in my friends’ lives through their own children.

It’s wonderful because it’s an unmerited gift.

It’s scary because it’s not a ‘sure thing’ like I assumed it was when I planned my life out as a 9-year-old.

When Daniel and I got married, I panicked about kids for a little while. I took about 9 pregnancy tests in our first year of marriage alone, completely convinced every time that I was pregnant. It wasn’t that my desire for kids had changed, I just didn’t feel ready. We were still getting to know each other and arguing about really stupid things like toothpaste and trash bags – so how on earth were we ready to be in charge of a tiny, needy human??

I remember one of the worst lunch breaks of my entire life with painful clarity. It was, as I mentioned, one of those months that I was certain I was pregnant (about six months into marriage, I think). I wanted to wait until I knew for sure, so I hadn’t told Daniel about my symptoms. I went to the store to pick up a test, just knowing I would run into someone I knew and be found out. When I got home, I took the test, put it on the bathroom counter, and sat on the floor against the bathtub with my knees pulled up to my chest. I don’t want to be pregnant, I thought. My heart pounded and my head spun with worry. How could I think that? I was married, for goodness’ sake! It was ACCEPTABLE now. And this was what I wanted my entire life. How could I be so afraid? For my mom friends who are thinking, “Oh honey, I was scared too, everyone is at first” – I’m telling you, there was no excitement. There was no joy. It was straight-up fear, anxiety, and panic. No part of me wanted to see a plus sign on that little plastic stick. I felt like the worst future mom in the entire world. How could I tell everyone I didn’t want a baby when I found out I was having one? I remember thinking, This is not how I want to feel when I find out I’m pregnant. This can’t be my story.

The longest two minutes of my life were finally up. With shaking legs, I dragged myself off the floor and picked up the test, closing my eyes for a brief moment and taking a ragged breath.

It was negative.

OH THANK GOD. OH MY GOD THANK YOU GOD.

Instantly, my heart flooded with guilt over my feelings of relief. I can think of few times in my life when I’ve felt more guilty than I did in that moment. I felt so sinful and terrible and hypocritical. How could I beg God for children my entire life, and then panic when it looked like those prayers were actually answered?

Another fear loomed even larger: would I always feel this way?

During the next year and half, I continued to struggle with guilt and worry. People asked us constantly when we would be having kids – because that’s just the next question you get asked after you get married – and every time, without fail, I would smile disarmingly and say something noncommittal like “Oh, we’ll see…!”, all while falling apart mentally and trying really hard not to fall apart in front of them. I had reached a point where I resigned myself to the fact that I just would not be excited when I found out I was pregnant. I knew (hoped, more accurately) that I would get excited eventually, but my expectations were low. I was constantly scared of getting pregnant, plagued by fears that sounded ridiculous if I said them out loud, like (1) that I would never be excited and be the only mom in the world who didn’t love her baby, or (2) that having a baby was going to completely ruin my relationship with Daniel, or (3) that Daniel wouldn’t love our baby as much as me.

And then…our dear friends, Wes and Brittany Burke, had their first daughter. Beautiful, funny, charming Trinity Beth. And everything changed.

The day after Trinity was born, I went to the hospital on my lunch break to see Brittany. We ended up in the room by ourselves because her family had just left to get lunch, and a nurse had taken Trinity back to the nursery for a little while. I had just seen Brittany the night before, when Daniel and I went up to say congratulations and hold baby girl for the first time, but I couldn’t get over how much different Brittany looked. It had barely been 24 hours, and yet she looked so…wise. Like it made perfect sense for her to be a mom and she was already the best one in the world. She looked exhausted, of course, but she had this glow around her, like absolutely nothing could have stolen her joy away.

As we visited, the funniest thing began to happen: Brittany starting addressing my exact fears about parenthood without even knowing it. I’ll never forget when she said, “You know, Trinity’s only a day old, but I’ve already fallen in love with Wesley so much more than I ever thought was possible. Just watching him take care of her and be so protective over her already…it’s amazing to watch him be a dad.”

It was all I could do not to melt into a giant puddle of tears. I felt God’s presence so powerfully in that hospital room. How could she have known that those words were exactly what I needed to hear?

Wes and Brittany were the first of our close friends that we got to watch transition from dating, to engagement, to marriage, to new parenthood, and we spent a lot of time together in all of those seasons. During the first year of Trinity’s life, Daniel and I had the supreme honor of seeing and hearing the unedited version of married parenthood – and it was the messiest, most chaotic, most BEAUTIFUL thing I have ever witnessed. We got to watch them disagree, problem-solve, reconcile, and flourish in every area in between. We got a front-row seat to some of their sweetest moments as new parents, watching Trinity try new food and learn how to do new things. The older she got, the more she could interact with us. I had never seen Daniel around a baby before, and it was fascinating and heartwarming.

One of the most heart-stopping moments was a game night at Wes and Brittany’s house. I don’t know how this happened, but all of the girls were all sitting at the dining room table playing a game, and all of the guys, minus Wes, were gathered around Trinity on the floor. I glanced over at one point and by sheer luck managed to sneak this ADORABLE (albeit horribly captured) picture:

HE. WAS. BRUSHING. HER. HAIR. *heart exploding*

Read Part II here.
Read Part III here.

DIY Wedding Gift Basket

August 2, 2015August 2, 20152 Comments

I’m such a big fan of gift-giving! It’s my strongest love language, second only to words of affirmation. I love coming up with creative, thoughtful things to give people. And lucky me: I’m at the point of life when everyone I know is either graduating from something / getting married / moving / taking a new job / having a kid / doing something else worth celebrating. I have lots of people to shower with love!

My latest gifting opportunity was this last weekend at my friend Phillip’s wedding! Wedding gifts are easy – all married people need a lot of the same things to start their new life together. Places like Ross, Marshall’s, and TJ Maxx make it a BREEZE to put gift baskets together too.

Here’s my last creation. All the pieces were found at Ross. Total cost = less than $50!

White tub + measuring cups/spoons + garlic-infused olive oil + wooden spoons + salt and pepper shakers + Herbes de Provence + wood plate + kitchen towels.

After I found the white tub, I started walking through the store and picking out little pieces to add to the collection. In each basket I’ve made, I try to strike the perfect balance between ‘useful’ and ‘cute.’ I always seem to gravitate toward natural wood inspiration, so that divided-square food plate and the wood spoons were no-brainers. The spice blend and the olive oil are necessities in my own kitchen, and everyone needs measuring cups and spoons. And those mini-Mason-jar S&P shakers….right?? I almost kept them for myself. Sometimes, I have a theme in mind for a gift basket before I put it together. But this one was inspired by these towels:

Aren’t they cute??

After I finished shopping, I went to my in-laws’ house, plopped on the dining room floor, and starting playing around with the arrangement. Once I tucked everything in place, I had an idea for a cute note and taped it on the towel.

“May your marriage be full of FLAVOR! We love you, Fords!”

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Happy wedding and even happier marriage, Phil and Kamie!

Also – if I’m coming to your wedding this year, just pretend you’re surprised when I give you a gift basket that looks just like this one.

What is your go-to gift to get (or make) for other people?

The Day Daniel Proposed

July 15, 2015July 29, 20155 Comments

Remember when Facebook Notes were a thing? Hahaha, I do. I bet it would be hard to find someone around my age or younger who doesn’t have at least one note buried somewhere on their profile, mostly likely with a title like “My A to Z Favorites,” or “Sixteen Random Facts About Me,” or “My Detective/Spy/Stripper/Superhero Names.” (If you want an image of late-teen Laura, feel free to take a stroll on my Facebook profile and have yourself a good laugh.)

All things considered though, Facebook Notes gave me an outlet (albeit, a small one) for my writing. And now, because of Facebook Notes, I will forever have access to a very excited 21-year-old Laura’s version of the proposal story, written just five days after it happened while it was still fresh and new.

That “Best. date. ever.” I wrote about occurred four years ago today.

And if you’ve never heard the story before, then buckle up, buttercup: it’s about to get super romantic up in here.

THE SETTING: the lakefront at Wintersmith Park in Ada, Oklahoma (Romantic Capital of America, obviously). It is Friday, July 15, 2011, around 6:00 pm. Cue Disney-esque storytelling music.

“It was a warm, sunny evening– ”

Cut music.

Okay, no. It was HOT. Like, we were both sweating. A lot. So much perspiration.

Resume music.

“It was a hot, sweaty but nonetheless lovely evening. Daniel and Laura were all set to hang out after a long busy week for a Friday night picnic date. The plan was for Laura’s brother Corey to drive Laura to the park after working at Falls Creek, then drive home to Perkins for the weekend, and Laura and Daniel would follow after their picnic. Daniel looked very cute in jeans and a striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Laura, who barely had time to shower after working on an outdoor ropes course all day, looked like a homeless person with air-dried wavy hair, rushed minimal makeup, rolled-up jeans, and a horribly bright orange t-shirt from OBU’s last Whole Milk 2-Mile Run, which YES in fact DID feature a silhouette of a person throwing up on it.”

Lololololol….oh man. If I could insert the “laughing/crying” emoji here, I 100% would.

I guess in retrospect, I probably should have been prepared. First of all – Daniel asked me a month in advance what I was doing on that particular Friday. Not suspicious at all. But I didn’t think too much about it because he would probably plan his Fridays five years from now if he could. (Actually, he already has. We’re going on a date to Buffalo Wild Wings on July 17th, 2020.) Regardless, he told me he wanted to go on a picnic! Before that day, we had only been on one picnic, and that one was very special to us. It wasn’t for an anniversary or anything, but it was a really meaningful time we got to spend together, and a lot of growth in our relationship took place there. Although Ada may not be the Romantic Capital of America, it’s halfway between the towns we lived in while dating and engaged. Nearly all of our dates – affectionately dubbed “Ada dates” – happened there. He could have asked me anywhere, but I love that he asked me there.

After Corey and I finished work at Falls Creek that day, he took me to the park to meet Daniel. I remember pulling up next to Daniel’s car, watching him lean against his car door as he waited for me to get out. He hung the picnic basket over his arm and smiled at me, and I thought, Gosh, he looks so nice. And I look so…hmm. Corey drove off and we walked down to the spot where we picnicked before, a pretty little stretch of grass right in front of the lake.

We laid the blanket out under the tree, watching the ducks investigate our every move. Daniel said he tried to time it perfectly so that the sun was going down as we were eating. We watched the water and the sky and fed the cute little ducklings who were literally a foot and a half away from us, just staring into our souls and begging for crumbs. In the back of my mind, I wondered if he was going to propose, but I decided he wasn’t. I had an inkling that he was going to talk to my parents that weekend when we went home after our date, and I knew he wouldn’t ask me without asking them first. I knew it wasn’t happening that night, and I was okay with it.

We talked about life and work and us, nothing we hadn’t talked about before. He asked me what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to be, what I wanted my life to be about. I answered and then asked him the same. We lay back on the blanket and looked up at the tree as we talked. He asked me why I chose him, and I told him. Then he told me why he chose me. It brought little tears to my eyes because it was so sweet and because I knew he really meant it, and we sat up to watch the last bit of sunset fade behind the horizon. He sat behind me and I leaned back against his chest.

He told me that he loved me. He had told me before, but never quite like that. His tone was so tender – I’d never heard him like that before. This was memorable enough because Daniel is about as tender as a cattle prod. (Huge rabbit-chase moment right now – we were talking about baby names about a year ago, and I told him I liked one particular name I found for a girl because the name meant tender. His response: “………..like a steak?” *facepalm*)

Anyway. Back to the mush.

In the 6 years I’ve known him, I can count on one hand the number of times his voice has been that gentle. I felt so safe with him. Treasured. Appreciated. Loved.

Then he said, “I have a question for you before we go.”

I was oblivious. “What?”

His arm came around in front of me with the box and he opened it.

“Will you marry me?”

My heart stopped.

I could barely stammer out “OH MY GAAAAAASH” before I started laughing and crying at the same time. I remember thinking, “Darn, he’s not in front of me on one knee and can’t see my face,” but that thought was immediately dominated by another thought: “Oh my gosh am I glad he can’t see my ugly-cry face right now or he might change his mind.”

I finally managed to nod yes, and he slipped the most beautiful ring on my finger (I wouldn’t take my eyes off of it ever again).

Suddenly, a third thought struck me.

“Did you ask my parents??”

Daniel proceeded to tell me that he had already talked to my parents a month before. We had been in Perkins visiting my family, and Corey and I needed to go to the bank to deposit our Falls Creek checks. Daniel said he would just stay at the house, at which point, they told me later, my parents knew that he was about to ask them if he could marry me. Halfway to the bank, Corey got a phone call and answered it with, “Hey, Daniel!” *Double facepalm* Instantly, I wondered why he called Corey instead of me. And then Corey goes, “Yeah, we can do that. Is something wrong?” By this time, I’m kind of worried, like…is the house on fire? Is Daniel sick and doesn’t want me to know? But no – Daniel had been telling Corey, “Dude, you gotta stall, you gotta come up with something to keep her away for a little while longer, because I’m talking to your parents!”

Let me take a moment to point out – both sets of grandparents lived within 5 minutes; there was an antique store across the street from the bank, a clothing store down the street, and several restaurants like Sonic and Subway nearby…and Corey’s solution to keep me away from the house was for us to go to the drugstore. Haha, what a guy. :) It worked though – I never suspected a thing!

That day 4 years ago was such an sweet day, and I love that all I have to do to remember it is look at my left hand. I took this picture last week when I went in to get my ring cleaned – it blows me away that they can make it look so shiny and brand new every time! And every time I get my ring cleaned, it reminds me of how important it is to polish up and maintain our friendship too. Cheesy…I know…get over it.

Daniel: Besides my highest calling to worship God, being married to you is the most important and most worthwhile thing I’ve ever done. I think it’s impossible for me to love you more, but every year that goes by proves me wrong. Thanks for meaning what you said when you promised to stick with me at my best and my worst. And even if you weren’t joking and my ring really is cubic zirconia…I guess I’ll stick with you too. :)